The posts on this blog were some of the saddest most egregious stuff I’ve ever read. The levels of abuse are unconscionable. And her description of “sex” with her husband was stomach turning.
One thing that did stand out, was her statement about not wearing makeup or heels or performing femininity for the most part. I’ve not read many posts by women who’ve been married to trans women, but this is the second or third one that make that point. Do you think they seek out women who don’t perform femininity on purpose? So they can feel superior in their “laydeeness?” What do y’all think? Is this a thing?
Makes sense. There is no femininity without masculinity. Many Lesbian FTMs seek out feminine partners to “bolster” their “masculinity”.
In light of this story and the one about the middle aged dood wanting to be unveiled like a 16 year old virgin, I wondered why they didn’t just get with a huy in the first place. But, of course, homophobia.
Good catch! And good point!
I typically try not to comment here, as I view this as a place of instruction for me rather than a forum for my male thoughts. However, this is something I unfortunately have personal experience with. I will try to make this post as short as I can, in order to, as a radfem friend of mine put it, “correct for mansplaining coefficient.”
“Do you think they seek out women who don’t perform femininity on purpose?…Is this a thing?”
Yes, Roslyn, this is a thing. But possibly not always for the purpose you mentioned.
In my situation, it had to do with the way internalized homophobia was wrapped up with other issues. Both I and my wife were anthropologists, and I used that to hide my misogyny in order to instruct her how to be a better feminist by not worrying about shaving, makeup, etc (I encouraged her in her own misogyny as well, as a sort of dark feminism – a man’s feminism…). To clarify, I did not “seek her out.” I doubt that most AGs are predatory in how we find our long-term relationships, but I could be wrong. In a way, she more sought me out. For me, it just kind of happened. I didn’t put much effort into it, nor did I discourage it at all (basically, emotional laziness).
I think a big part of it was that we both felt safe with each other, as if our independent issues with gender roles could be solved by combining our individual dysfunctions. For a while (10 yrs), it worked. Obviously, this was an untenable affair.
I recognize my own kind – very easily, in fact. Observing them in my anthropological capacities has revealed that most of us are probably very deeply ego-dystonic in relation to homosexuality. Seeking out relationships with “non-feminine” women is a deranged way of having a male partner without having a male partner. Somehow, the delusional pattern is completed by us “becoming women.”
Yuck, we had enough self-hating gay men wasting their and their wife’s life in the closet whilst sleeping with men in secret (which is reprehensible in this day and age).
But to have straight male autogynephiles declare they’re lesbians and wishing to continue their relationship with their partner is so narcissistic and revolting, Or if they leave they’ll write a scrathing book like Joy “[trapped in his] private concentration camp” Ladin,
You know, I was thinking the same thing. I was hoping ee were past that fuckery, but here we go again. I wish the female hormones would render them sterile like the male hormones do FTT. At least then these poor women wouldn’t be forced to have a contact with their abusers.
>I wish the female hormones would render them sterile like the male hormones do FTT. At least then these poor women wouldn’t be forced to have a contact with their abusers.
It does impact their fertility. It doesn’t (to the best of my knowledge) sterilise them. It reduces sperm count and can make it more difficult (but not impossible) to achieve and maintain an erection.
Unfortunately, most AG’s transition after their 40’s and have already had children. :'(
Now seeing the culture shift, I feel like any woman that tries to get away from an AG husband because of his sex fetishism would now be seen as the one with the problem.
It makes me sick.
And also think about their daughters. Are very many of these married men transitioning just as their daughters reach puberty/teen years? If it’s around 40, that’s likely. Very confusing for the daughters (who are even more vulnerable than the wives) especially if their fathers are seeking to be affirmed by them, or treating the daughter like a “best friend” and playing dressup,etc. I can’t remember the name of the book, but it was on Gender Trender and the wife reports some very creepy stuff like that with the daughter. Done during visitation so the mother didn’t know for a while. I was horrified when I read the book. The wives/mothers need support. The daughters need support. Mothers need support in helping their daughters. A heartbreaking mess!
The name of the book is Sex Changes by Christine Benvenuto. Came to me right after posting 🙂
Somewhat related to this, several years ago, Dan Savage gave some advice to a man wishing to transition that he needed to put his children first. If I remember correctly, the man was particularly concerned that his children weren’t as on board with his transition as he wanted them to be. Yeah, ya think?
I doubt Savage could get away with that kind of advice now (even though he gives similar advice, putting the needs of children first, to straights all the damn time) without getting glitterbombed.
This blogger’s voice is so important, firstly so that other women in the same situation can realise that they are not alone, but also for women’s understanding of the transgender phenomenon in a general sense.
Autogynophilia is the missing piece of the puzzle, the key that makes everything click when one is trying to get to grips with the increasingly numbers of men in the western world who are claiming to be women.
Even though many women do sense (and some will even say out loud) that genderist politics are anti-feminist, without an understanding that for upwards of 90 per cent of men who claim to ‘feel’ female, this is about an obsessive sexual fetish, women are very likely to just give in and say ‘give them what they want’, because of misguided notions that such men are basically sex-role non-conforming males, or simply afflicted by overwhelming dysphoria with their male bodies. The impulse of the vast majority of women is to offer such men understanding and support, however much they privately disagree with their concepts of gender or womanhood.
I have seen even women who call themselves gender-critical feminists take such a position, and I believe it’s because they simply don’t understand the role that autogynophilia plays in most MtT transitions. Such women – especially if they call themselves feminists – also need to learn to extend some of the empathy that they heap upon trans males to the women that these men hurt. I hope powerful writing such as naefearty’s will move at least some of them to do so.
Yep, we’re all just soooooooo jealous of the MtT’s.
Can’t EVEN function as women because we’re just so jealous.
Once we start dressing more of the time as the women we feel ourselves to be, we can get high on the freedom we feel. Isn’t it great! So why would our wives be unhappy?
Yeah, WHY? WHY ARE THEY SO UNHAPPY WHEN I AM SO FREE AND HAPPY?!?!??!?!?/11111
” So why would our wives be unhappy?”
Because they realize that you dudes are narcisstic scary pricks.
I think that maybe some of the resentment also comes from, I don’t, heterosexual women being heterosexual and therefore not wanting to be forced into a pretendbian marriage. Not to mention there’s pretty much everything in “Gender Hurts” in the chapter about women in the lives of men who transition.
It also seems a lot of these men will outright dismiss their several years of marriage to their wives as not being “real” once they decide to transition. I don’t care what sexual orientation you are or if you’re legally married, but anyone would be upset at their SO suddenly deciding that the relationship meant nothing and wasn’t real.
And once again we’re reduced to tits and ass. Oh yeah, that’s ehat we’re worried about when we see a big azz man with breasts and an erection hanging out in our locker room. “OHEMGEE, look how perky his tits are! They look so natural on his 40″ chest!” What are these mofos on?
Oh my gosh, Roslyn! I almost snorted out snot reading that! Gosh, trying to picture that would totally burn some eyes and cause trauma, but the way you described it, that was hilarious!
It’s the honest truth. I’m just hoping I don’t have my toddler with me when I finally encounter one of these people. Unfortunately, most of the time when I’m in a public toilet or locker room I have him with me. I think it’s a goddamned shame that I can’t let them go to the men’s room because of the perversion that goes on there, and now they can’t come into the ladies either. It’s like they’ve turned the whole fucking planet into a porn movie. Even if folk don’t care about women, what about the kids? Is this really anything ANY child should be exposed to?
@Roslyn: My husband takes our girls out by himself fairly often, and until the last few years he usually would just wait until the Men’s was empty and take them in there, standing outside the stall to warn other men/keep them in the stall until the men left. Now he usually lets them go together into the Ladies’ and waits right outside (he’s always very quick to explain to any woman about to enter that he’s not a pervert, his daughters are in there. It’s actually quite sweet the way they always check on the girls for him, on hearing this).
We’re both uneasy and at something of a loss to know what to do should some dude in a dress try to sail past him to use the Ladies’ while our babies are in there. We certainly don’t want to leave them in there where they might encounter this terrifying parody of womanhood alone, but of course that leaves us with the only other options being either refusing to let the girls use the bathrooms just in case, or my husband having to charge in there after Mr. Laydeebrain, thus further invading the Ladies’ room and making any other women who might be in there even more uncomfortable. It is unbelievable that these entitled sickos are not only forcing themselves into women’s spaces, but potentially forcing other men to do the same–despite their own discomfort and morals–in order to protect their daughters (or other women in their lives if need be). No way would my husband leave our girls alone in a vulnerable place like that with such a man, and I doubt whether he would be able to keep himself from at least poking his head in if I was in there.
Well if the laydee has a legal “right” to be there per the laws in your jurisdiction, your husband can just claim to be trans to anyone who complains, and there won’t be a damn thing anyone can do about it. Not that I’m advocating for him making women uncomfortable, but it sure would help to expose the absurdity of these laws.
@Kesher I know it isn’t really funny, but the mental image of my 6’2, 210-lb. husband standing there with his arms folded, staring daggers and growling, “I’m a woman, too,” made me giggle.
That’s a good point/suggestion, though.
It’s just so frustrating and makes it clear that no one put any real thought into what this “gender identity” legislation would look like on the ground. Thing about it is, I doubt any such thing would ever pass in my very, very, red state, but I can certainly see the city embracing it. However, this is a open carry, carry everywhere, Stand Your Ground state. In a Stand Your Ground state, you only have to “feel” threatened. And I’ll be the first to say that a man in the ladies room is threatening as hell to me.
Most of the trans around here are black men. I hate to say this, but I do believe it’s only a matter of time before someone gets shot. Women here do carry firearms quite commonly. I know several single women who carry, and married women who’ve been given guns by their husbands. Before I had kids I had a couple firearms myself in my home, though I didn’t usually carry on my person. I don’t think I would’ve shot a man just for being in the ladies, but there are women who would, and they would be acquitted, or not even charged.
I think it’s a crying shame that the folks who are promoting this are unlikely to be on the receiving end of a bullet. I would hope black men have enough sense not to try it, but I’ve seen articles on Clutch that would indicate they don’t.
My oldest boy goes to the men’s room alone (with me standing outside carefully monitoring). He’s just too big to go in the ladies now. I don’t want to make any women uncomfortable, but my toddler still goes with me to the ladies. Usually my husband feels I’m overly concerned about safety, but he’s 100% with me on this one, and yeah, he’d have a major problem with a dude in a dress in the ladies room with his kid.
The gendersong blog dude made my blood boil when he stated that women have no control over our bodies due to menstruation, pregnancy, rape and anti-abortion laws. Yup, that is his definition of women: people with no bodily autonomy.
Do men have no control over their bodies because they grow beards? Menstruation and pregnancy are biological functions for freak’s sake. Rape and anti-abortion laws are MEN’s doing. So men have to control women’s bodies because women are so out of control that they menstruate, get pregnant, are raped by men and legislated against by men? Is this dude high?
Lastly, he seems to think all women have D-cups and are jealous because he doesn’t have big breasts and fat asses?? This is why some women invest in rat poison.
The women sharing their stories of unfortunately being involved with a tranny are brave beyond words, and strong beyond measure. Thank you so much. I wish there was something I could do to help assuage the pain you’ve been through, and are still going through. I am in awe of your keen insight and ability to stand up and name the gaslighting for what it is, especially when some nutcase therapist or koolaid drinker tries to tell you otherwise. I’m so glad you all are here. That’s all.
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